I'm in serious need of a new start, or a new wind in my sails, so to speak. I don't want to keep living life the way I have been. This probably sounds like I'm whining about how boring and underprivileged I am in a society that is richer than the rest of the world, but the truth is, I feel like I'm only living up to a minute part of my potential. I keep thinking, "There has to be more than this...what the heck I am doing? Why am I not doing what I really want to be doing?" There are a million reasons why I feel trapped into a life that should be the shining example of freedom. And the truth is that all of those reasons are bouncing around in this ill-used brain of mine with no seeming escape. I've come to realize that the entrapment is of my own doing, and I'm going to have to bite the bullet to become uninhibited.
It's fascinating to me how the mind becomes a battlefield that transforms landscapes all on its own. I feel like I'm in new territory, even though my location hasn't changed, except a month-long change in trajectory only to find myself physically right back where I was long before I left, but spiritually, mentally, and emotionally miles and miles and miles away. I'm not here and I'm not there and so I feel lost and found all at the same time. It's probably more accurate to say that I'm more found than I ever was before when I was really, really lost; I'm just lost as to how to practically get to where I know I'm found, if that makes any sense.
I guess it's just safe to say that I'm almost ready...kinda like almost ready to walk out the door, but that would be assuming I found exactly where the front door was, how to get to it, and exactly where I was going once I stepped outside of it. I'm exhausted beyond words and at peace but anxious all at the same time. You haven't seen me in a while, and that's because I haven't been here for a while. You may not see me for a while more and that's because I won't be where you are for a while. But I want you to know I'm not retreating, as I have done so painfully for so painfully long. I've simply decided to let the wind fill my sails.
